The Anatomy of a Panic Attack

Imagine knowing something bad is going to happen. You don't know what and you don't know when. You just know because you feel it in every fiber, nerve, and cell in your body. You start to feel chilled (or really hot) even though the heat is on and you're wearing a jacket. You start to feel dizzy, not like the room is spinning but more like you can't get your balance. Your palms become sweaty but your hands are ice cold. All of a sudden you can't breathe in and out. You feel as if you are drowning. Your heart starts to race and your chest hurts. Your head may even hurt and you swear you're having a heart attack. Maybe you start crying but maybe the fear is so great that you don't know what to do. You start trembling uncontrollably and you know that the bad thing you feared has just happened. You have just had a panic attack.

For me, this is how a panic attack feels. At the time, I swear I'm dying. And afterwards, I feel as if I have ran a marathon. Sleep, along with God and Xanax, follows because I'm no good for anything else. I can't think clearly or concentrate for a couple hours afterward.

Because I have learned to recognize how they start, if I can make it through the first 15-30 seconds (which can seem like years) I will have managed to calm myself down enough that I will not have a "full blown panic attack." I'll have, what I call, a "semi panic attack." This includes everything up until the difficulty breathing. There have been times I have skipped it all and went straight to the rapid heartbeat. At those times, if I can make it through the first 15 seconds..no longer..I won't have a full panic attack. I do a lot of self talk and self reassuring during this time. I know if I am able to control it, it won't get bad and I won't feel like I am dying.

Coming to this point where I can talk and write about this has taken lots of counseling, talks with God, and Xanax. All this has been a part of my recovery. Without them, I am not sure what my mental state would be. Honestly, my last panic attack was a few weeks ago but I have just gotten to where I can write about them. I am so proud of myself for how far I have came since October. I can do this. I'm going to do this.