Healing Myself Mentally

I'm not going to lie, this week has been rough. Just the thought of not know when and if my heart will go into a fib has sent me into anxiety/panic mode again. Thank God for Xanax or I would have gotten no sleep all week. I understand that it is as important to heal my mind as it is to do what I need to heal my body. But healing my body is so much easier. I just take the medicine, do what the doctor tells me, and keep dr appts. Healing my mind is not so easy. I had just gotten to the point where panic attacks did not control my life. And now here we are again.

Giving Myself Credit

Before Saturday's incident, I was going to start working on giving myself credit for the good things I am doing in my life. My new counselor proposed we center counseling around that for awhile. It was a great idea...last week.

And while my counseling may still consist of giving myself credit, now, more than ever, it has to consist of preparing myself mentally for the fact that atrial fibrillation will happen to me again. I have far too much damage in my heart (not from A-fib but from surgeries when I was younger) for the A-fib to stay away. I have a few of the "causes"of atrial fibrillation. I was by myself on Saturday. That in itself is something HUGE to give myself credit for. I was able to stay calm enough to dial 911 and make it to the hospital. At the hospital, I was able to keep myself reasonably calm and God took care of the rest. I really need to give myself credit for that.

And this time, I went back to work on Monday. Last time I was off for a week. Now, granted, I was in the hospital for three days but I still was off Thursday and Friday. This time, I went back to work. I've only been able to work half days but I'm still there and still meeting my goals.

I went six months without any problems this time. Hopefully with the increase in medicine, high blood pressure medicines, and weight management I can make it longer this time. But I know it's going to happen. It's just a matter of when.

And Things Were Going So Well....SON days

I thought everything was going okay. Sure, my panic attacks had returned but I was managing. And then yesterday happened. I was going into Staples after drinking an icy fruity drink. And there. My heart started doing it again. Read this to catch yourself up if needed. I'll wait.....

Finished?

Well, it wasn't THAT traumatic this time but it still wasn't as fun as couponing. While my defibrillator did not discharge, at any minute it could have. I thank God that it did not. My mom was about a hour and half away. My dad was about two hours away. Michael was working on a truck and about a hour away. I was by myself this time. But I wasn't. I know God was with me the whole time. I really could feel his presence around me, holding my hand, keeping me breathing, and letting my heart flutter and not go too fast. I have learned this time to rely on Him. Yes, I know that at any time he could have took his hands off my heart and allowed my defibrillator go off. I also know that at any time he could have set my heart right. This is happening to me for a reason. I don't know if it's is because he wants to draw me closer to him. I don't know if he has a purpose for my life that I haven't discovered. All I know is while I was by myself for those short 15 minutes, his presence surrounded me.

They have increased my medicines and I am scheduled for more doctor appointments. I will most definitely continue my counseling. I have already swallowed one panic attack today. Xanax will because my best friend again. And I know that God will be with me. I know he was here long before I was thought of. I know that he knew I would have these problems and he would have a purpose for my life. I just have to continue to seek Him to find that purpose.

This is a song that has meant a lot to me over the last couple of days. I hope it touches you too.

Going Into Heavy Counseling Again

I am going into counseling again. THANK GOD. I have been having what the counselor calls night terrors. These feel like panic attacks while I am sleeping and scare the ever living daylights out of me. I can pretty much control a panic attack by myself. However, when I wake up in a panic and feel like I have been shocked out of my sleep, that is not fun.

Counseling is a must for me still. I hate to admit that I haven't completely recovered from panic attacks. I still have times when I feel like the world is coming to an end or I'm having a heart attack. I understand these are symptoms of having a panic attack and anxiety. I know this. However, I still feel like I feel and I have to figure out how to not let it control my life. I am trying to release control, or the perceived control I have over myself, but it's going to be really hard. Journaling is going to be a big part of this. My counselor wants me to get a journal and keep a journal everyday. We are going to concentrate on the positive parts and what I am doing to take control over my life. I really look forward to this journey. I still have a ways to go but I know I will get there.

Ingles+Publix+CVS= savings of 80%

This was my shopping trips from last week. I'm not going to take the time to type out everything I got. I haven't had time until now to post this. I spent $59.80 on $301.87 worth of stuff for a savings of 80%. I don't go to Ingles very often but they had some things on sale that I really wanted. I also had a Publix giftcard that I had gotten through Swag Bucks. I had enough Swag Bucks to request a prize and I got a $25 giftcard from Publix. I was so excited. Then, I went to CVS and made $.92. I still have $7.99 left over for this weekend. I hope to learn how to use Walgreens this weekend so I will let you know how that goes.

My tip for this week is to use every outlet possible to get coupons. If you print coupons from Swag Bucks, you get a swag buck for redeeming it. There are other programs similar to this one but that's the only one I participate in at the moment. Also, contact all makers of your favorite products to get coupons from them. Just tell them how much you love their products and they will send your coupons.

I have been helping a few people personally get started couponing. If you want me to help you, email me your address. Email me at bagwell123@gmail.com.

Arise My Love-SON days

When I was a teenager, my church had a youth leader named Brian. Brian was "hip" and in tune to how teenagers worshiped God. I miss him to this day for the coolness he portrayed. But during his time at my church, we did this "stick" drama, interpretive dance, whatever you want to call it. It was so powerful and so beautiful. This is the best one I can find. I also love this song. Praise God that He lives.

Took a Break

I haven't written or posted anything since 4/10/11. I have taken it easy with the couponing and I'm back at it this week. My last panic attack was on April 9 so I haven't really concentrated on anything other than getting the panic back under control. I hate that feeling. I hate the feeling of completely losing control and losing who I am. Because that's what I feel like when I have an attack. My blood pressure has also been elevated so I have been working on getting that under control. I have started losing some weight by watching what I eat and walking at work. Only been doing this a week and my weigh in day is on Monday. I just kind of got serious about my blood pressure and have decided that this is the only way I am going to control it. I have been taking my medicine but medicine can only take you so far sometimes. Plus, I hate medicine and I want to feel like I am taking an active part in my "blood pressure monitoring" other than taking my blood pressure everyday. I mean, it's been two months ago when I first said I would be losing weight. While I haven't gained anything, I haven't lost either and that has been the point. So, I started hardcore this week. I have been very conscious about what I have eaten and what it contains. I just really hopes this will help my blood pressure go down to a manageable level and it certainly can't hurt. HERE WE GO...again.

***I promise this will not turn into a weight loss blog but will still be a "general life" blog.