Healing Myself Mentally

I'm not going to lie, this week has been rough. Just the thought of not know when and if my heart will go into a fib has sent me into anxiety/panic mode again. Thank God for Xanax or I would have gotten no sleep all week. I understand that it is as important to heal my mind as it is to do what I need to heal my body. But healing my body is so much easier. I just take the medicine, do what the doctor tells me, and keep dr appts. Healing my mind is not so easy. I had just gotten to the point where panic attacks did not control my life. And now here we are again.

Giving Myself Credit

Before Saturday's incident, I was going to start working on giving myself credit for the good things I am doing in my life. My new counselor proposed we center counseling around that for awhile. It was a great idea...last week.

And while my counseling may still consist of giving myself credit, now, more than ever, it has to consist of preparing myself mentally for the fact that atrial fibrillation will happen to me again. I have far too much damage in my heart (not from A-fib but from surgeries when I was younger) for the A-fib to stay away. I have a few of the "causes"of atrial fibrillation. I was by myself on Saturday. That in itself is something HUGE to give myself credit for. I was able to stay calm enough to dial 911 and make it to the hospital. At the hospital, I was able to keep myself reasonably calm and God took care of the rest. I really need to give myself credit for that.

And this time, I went back to work on Monday. Last time I was off for a week. Now, granted, I was in the hospital for three days but I still was off Thursday and Friday. This time, I went back to work. I've only been able to work half days but I'm still there and still meeting my goals.

I went six months without any problems this time. Hopefully with the increase in medicine, high blood pressure medicines, and weight management I can make it longer this time. But I know it's going to happen. It's just a matter of when.

And Things Were Going So Well....SON days

I thought everything was going okay. Sure, my panic attacks had returned but I was managing. And then yesterday happened. I was going into Staples after drinking an icy fruity drink. And there. My heart started doing it again. Read this to catch yourself up if needed. I'll wait.....

Finished?

Well, it wasn't THAT traumatic this time but it still wasn't as fun as couponing. While my defibrillator did not discharge, at any minute it could have. I thank God that it did not. My mom was about a hour and half away. My dad was about two hours away. Michael was working on a truck and about a hour away. I was by myself this time. But I wasn't. I know God was with me the whole time. I really could feel his presence around me, holding my hand, keeping me breathing, and letting my heart flutter and not go too fast. I have learned this time to rely on Him. Yes, I know that at any time he could have took his hands off my heart and allowed my defibrillator go off. I also know that at any time he could have set my heart right. This is happening to me for a reason. I don't know if it's is because he wants to draw me closer to him. I don't know if he has a purpose for my life that I haven't discovered. All I know is while I was by myself for those short 15 minutes, his presence surrounded me.

They have increased my medicines and I am scheduled for more doctor appointments. I will most definitely continue my counseling. I have already swallowed one panic attack today. Xanax will because my best friend again. And I know that God will be with me. I know he was here long before I was thought of. I know that he knew I would have these problems and he would have a purpose for my life. I just have to continue to seek Him to find that purpose.

This is a song that has meant a lot to me over the last couple of days. I hope it touches you too.

Week in Review

First, let me say that I have had no panic attacks this week. I am still at the point to where I cannot think of the past panic attacks that I have had without feeling some level of anxiety. I am hoping that I can get to point to where I can think about them, can write about them, without feeling like I am going to repeat them. My goal is to go day by day without any panic attacks. The small feelings of anxiety, the small back in my mind what if questions are still there. I'm not sure they will ever go away. Knowing that any time my heart can go into atrial fibrillation and trigger my defibrillator is not a good thought for me...so I try my best not to think about that.

I have been sick this week and still am not feeling well so that has had an affect on me this week. I only worked Tuesday, Wednesday, and half of Thursday. I had to call in on Friday because I had a fever. I hate calling in because I hate sitting here all day by myself. The times that I am by myself are becoming easier but still aren't like they used to be. I used to LOVE to be by myself...not all the time but sometimes was good. Now, I have a hard time though I have gotten better. My dog Diesel keeps me company. Even though he's a dog, I feel like he can feel when I am not feeling right and sticks to me like glue. Other times, I think he knows that I am fine because he doesn't stick to me so closely. Today, he was everywhere I went. He is my baby and I don't what I ever did without him.

I am not sure I am going to church in the morning. Church is like a battery recharge for me each week. I go to listen to the pastor but I am more moved by the music. I know that God wants to be the one to move us and I believe that for me, it's done through music. However, tomorrow I am not sure I am going. Since I have been sick and had a fever, I don't want to get anyone else sick. I love Charles Stanley so I guess I will watch him in the morning.

Overall, even though I have been sick, any week that I don't have a panic attack, will be considered a good one.

Why God and Xanax?

Well, the short explanation can be found here. However, because this is a blog, I feel the need to, well, blog.

My name is Crystal. I am 27 years old. I'm a wife, a lover, a mother (to two doggies), a friend, a sister, a daughter, a Christian, and many other titles. The most important thing at the moment is that I am recovering from panic attacks triggered by an episode of atrial fibrillation.

I have decided to start this blog as an outlet. Now, I have written a few previous blogs found here and here. Both have been weight loss blogs...neither I really kept up with for very long. I think it's been because these blogs were about one key subject..weight loss...which I have a whole history with that I will go into on another day.

For now, welcome to God and Xanax. I will definitely be telling you more about my need for both of them and how each has helped me. It's been almost three months since my first panic attack and over a month since my last full panic attack (I'll explain my difference in full and semi panic attacks later). This blog will be about panic attacks, faith in God, my life in general, and nothing at all. Let's have fun!