Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Healing Myself Mentally
I'm not going to lie, this week has been rough. Just the thought of not know when and if my heart will go into a fib has sent me into anxiety/panic mode again. Thank God for Xanax or I would have gotten no sleep all week. I understand that it is as important to heal my mind as it is to do what I need to heal my body. But healing my body is so much easier. I just take the medicine, do what the doctor tells me, and keep dr appts. Healing my mind is not so easy. I had just gotten to the point where panic attacks did not control my life. And now here we are again.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Giving Myself Credit
Before Saturday's incident, I was going to start working on giving myself credit for the good things I am doing in my life. My new counselor proposed we center counseling around that for awhile. It was a great idea...last week.
And while my counseling may still consist of giving myself credit, now, more than ever, it has to consist of preparing myself mentally for the fact that atrial fibrillation will happen to me again. I have far too much damage in my heart (not from A-fib but from surgeries when I was younger) for the A-fib to stay away. I have a few of the "causes"of atrial fibrillation. I was by myself on Saturday. That in itself is something HUGE to give myself credit for. I was able to stay calm enough to dial 911 and make it to the hospital. At the hospital, I was able to keep myself reasonably calm and God took care of the rest. I really need to give myself credit for that.
And this time, I went back to work on Monday. Last time I was off for a week. Now, granted, I was in the hospital for three days but I still was off Thursday and Friday. This time, I went back to work. I've only been able to work half days but I'm still there and still meeting my goals.
I went six months without any problems this time. Hopefully with the increase in medicine, high blood pressure medicines, and weight management I can make it longer this time. But I know it's going to happen. It's just a matter of when.
And while my counseling may still consist of giving myself credit, now, more than ever, it has to consist of preparing myself mentally for the fact that atrial fibrillation will happen to me again. I have far too much damage in my heart (not from A-fib but from surgeries when I was younger) for the A-fib to stay away. I have a few of the "causes"of atrial fibrillation. I was by myself on Saturday. That in itself is something HUGE to give myself credit for. I was able to stay calm enough to dial 911 and make it to the hospital. At the hospital, I was able to keep myself reasonably calm and God took care of the rest. I really need to give myself credit for that.
And this time, I went back to work on Monday. Last time I was off for a week. Now, granted, I was in the hospital for three days but I still was off Thursday and Friday. This time, I went back to work. I've only been able to work half days but I'm still there and still meeting my goals.
I went six months without any problems this time. Hopefully with the increase in medicine, high blood pressure medicines, and weight management I can make it longer this time. But I know it's going to happen. It's just a matter of when.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Took a Break
I haven't written or posted anything since 4/10/11. I have taken it easy with the couponing and I'm back at it this week. My last panic attack was on April 9 so I haven't really concentrated on anything other than getting the panic back under control. I hate that feeling. I hate the feeling of completely losing control and losing who I am. Because that's what I feel like when I have an attack. My blood pressure has also been elevated so I have been working on getting that under control. I have started losing some weight by watching what I eat and walking at work. Only been doing this a week and my weigh in day is on Monday. I just kind of got serious about my blood pressure and have decided that this is the only way I am going to control it. I have been taking my medicine but medicine can only take you so far sometimes. Plus, I hate medicine and I want to feel like I am taking an active part in my "blood pressure monitoring" other than taking my blood pressure everyday. I mean, it's been two months ago when I first said I would be losing weight. While I haven't gained anything, I haven't lost either and that has been the point. So, I started hardcore this week. I have been very conscious about what I have eaten and what it contains. I just really hopes this will help my blood pressure go down to a manageable level and it certainly can't hurt. HERE WE GO...again.
***I promise this will not turn into a weight loss blog but will still be a "general life" blog.
***I promise this will not turn into a weight loss blog but will still be a "general life" blog.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
The Anatomy of a Panic Attack
Imagine knowing something bad is going to happen. You don't know what and you don't know when. You just know because you feel it in every fiber, nerve, and cell in your body. You start to feel chilled (or really hot) even though the heat is on and you're wearing a jacket. You start to feel dizzy, not like the room is spinning but more like you can't get your balance. Your palms become sweaty but your hands are ice cold. All of a sudden you can't breathe in and out. You feel as if you are drowning. Your heart starts to race and your chest hurts. Your head may even hurt and you swear you're having a heart attack. Maybe you start crying but maybe the fear is so great that you don't know what to do. You start trembling uncontrollably and you know that the bad thing you feared has just happened. You have just had a panic attack.
For me, this is how a panic attack feels. At the time, I swear I'm dying. And afterwards, I feel as if I have ran a marathon. Sleep, along with God and Xanax, follows because I'm no good for anything else. I can't think clearly or concentrate for a couple hours afterward.
Because I have learned to recognize how they start, if I can make it through the first 15-30 seconds (which can seem like years) I will have managed to calm myself down enough that I will not have a "full blown panic attack." I'll have, what I call, a "semi panic attack." This includes everything up until the difficulty breathing. There have been times I have skipped it all and went straight to the rapid heartbeat. At those times, if I can make it through the first 15 seconds..no longer..I won't have a full panic attack. I do a lot of self talk and self reassuring during this time. I know if I am able to control it, it won't get bad and I won't feel like I am dying.
Coming to this point where I can talk and write about this has taken lots of counseling, talks with God, and Xanax. All this has been a part of my recovery. Without them, I am not sure what my mental state would be. Honestly, my last panic attack was a few weeks ago but I have just gotten to where I can write about them. I am so proud of myself for how far I have came since October. I can do this. I'm going to do this.
For me, this is how a panic attack feels. At the time, I swear I'm dying. And afterwards, I feel as if I have ran a marathon. Sleep, along with God and Xanax, follows because I'm no good for anything else. I can't think clearly or concentrate for a couple hours afterward.
Because I have learned to recognize how they start, if I can make it through the first 15-30 seconds (which can seem like years) I will have managed to calm myself down enough that I will not have a "full blown panic attack." I'll have, what I call, a "semi panic attack." This includes everything up until the difficulty breathing. There have been times I have skipped it all and went straight to the rapid heartbeat. At those times, if I can make it through the first 15 seconds..no longer..I won't have a full panic attack. I do a lot of self talk and self reassuring during this time. I know if I am able to control it, it won't get bad and I won't feel like I am dying.
Coming to this point where I can talk and write about this has taken lots of counseling, talks with God, and Xanax. All this has been a part of my recovery. Without them, I am not sure what my mental state would be. Honestly, my last panic attack was a few weeks ago but I have just gotten to where I can write about them. I am so proud of myself for how far I have came since October. I can do this. I'm going to do this.
Friday, March 11, 2011
My Heart
I met the love of my life when I was 14. I knew at that time he was the love of my life, but he didn't. Michael and I first met when we were 14. Something attracted me to him. "My name is Crystal and I am going to be your new best friend" were my first words to him. I don't remember how it happened but I helped his mom with her Sunday School class and he always came with her.
He is IT for me. He has always been IT for me. Even when there was someone else after Michael and I went our separate ways, it was always very clear that Michael held my heart, my everything. No one could live up to what Michael was to me though one tried. And how I knew this at 14, I don't know. I guess you could say when I was younger, Michael was a bit of an obsession. But I loved him.
He and I went our separate ways when we were 17. My heart broke and it was like a piece of me went with him. A piece of me broke off and I searched for someone to take his place until I was 21. At 21, I had resolved myself that he wasn't replaceable and to try to find happiness where I could. I prayed to God to let me be happy just by myself. So, I chose to be alone. I knew, without a doubt, I wasn't going to find happiness with anyone else but myself.
When I was 22, on March 11, 2006, Michael and I found our way back together. I believe that God knew that he was it for me. He allowed me to grow as a person and not depend on someone for my happiness. When I was finally able to accept me for who I was and what happiness He and I could give me and myself, he allowed Michael and I to find each other.
It hasn't always been perfect or easy with Michael. Because of some of our history, I had some doubts to let go of. I had to realize that we weren't teenagers anymore and he wasn't going to disappear again. I would be riding down the road and just giggle and shake my head. I couldn't believe we were together again. And there are times, when I let myself, think how lucky I am to have him in my life again and how I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE IT. I had to let God do this in His time. I just never thought he and I would be together again. He's my best friend.
And he's my heart. He's my love. He's my husband (he and I married October 17, 2009). He's who I will be with until each of us die. I know this as surely as I am sitting here breathing and as surely as I did almost 14 years ago (he and I started "dating" as teenagers October 14, 1997). I am so happy with them and he accepts me so fully as me. He is patient with me during my panic attacks. He's patient with me on the nights I can't sleep. He's patient with me when I am thinking I might die. He's it. God could not have made someone so perfect for me.
And I love him so completely. And I know he loves me.
He is IT for me. He has always been IT for me. Even when there was someone else after Michael and I went our separate ways, it was always very clear that Michael held my heart, my everything. No one could live up to what Michael was to me though one tried. And how I knew this at 14, I don't know. I guess you could say when I was younger, Michael was a bit of an obsession. But I loved him.
He and I went our separate ways when we were 17. My heart broke and it was like a piece of me went with him. A piece of me broke off and I searched for someone to take his place until I was 21. At 21, I had resolved myself that he wasn't replaceable and to try to find happiness where I could. I prayed to God to let me be happy just by myself. So, I chose to be alone. I knew, without a doubt, I wasn't going to find happiness with anyone else but myself.
When I was 22, on March 11, 2006, Michael and I found our way back together. I believe that God knew that he was it for me. He allowed me to grow as a person and not depend on someone for my happiness. When I was finally able to accept me for who I was and what happiness He and I could give me and myself, he allowed Michael and I to find each other.
It hasn't always been perfect or easy with Michael. Because of some of our history, I had some doubts to let go of. I had to realize that we weren't teenagers anymore and he wasn't going to disappear again. I would be riding down the road and just giggle and shake my head. I couldn't believe we were together again. And there are times, when I let myself, think how lucky I am to have him in my life again and how I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE IT. I had to let God do this in His time. I just never thought he and I would be together again. He's my best friend.
And he's my heart. He's my love. He's my husband (he and I married October 17, 2009). He's who I will be with until each of us die. I know this as surely as I am sitting here breathing and as surely as I did almost 14 years ago (he and I started "dating" as teenagers October 14, 1997). I am so happy with them and he accepts me so fully as me. He is patient with me during my panic attacks. He's patient with me on the nights I can't sleep. He's patient with me when I am thinking I might die. He's it. God could not have made someone so perfect for me.
And I love him so completely. And I know he loves me.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Weight Management
At this moment in time, I am not trying to lose weight...I am just trying to maintain. Weight Loss has not always been easy for me but again, now is the time to start slow and learn. I generally start by trying to lose weight and then I worry about maintaining. At the moment, I am working on just maintaining. I know the weight I am at right now is not healthy...no one should weigh this much. However, with everything going on with my life right now, I don't want to put more stress on myself. PLUS, I figure that if I can find out how to maintain, I have no problem losing. Once I know how maintaining works, when I am ready to lose, I will be able to maintain. So, I am kind of going backwards.
Everything else in my life is going well right now. I am still having blood pressure issues from time to time but my panic attacks have gotten few and far between. I hope this is a sign that I am a "recovered panic attacker."
Everything else in my life is going well right now. I am still having blood pressure issues from time to time but my panic attacks have gotten few and far between. I hope this is a sign that I am a "recovered panic attacker."
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Now Is the Time..not tomorrow
I know I have said that this blog is not going to be about dieting. And it's not. However, since this is something that has come up in my life, it will be blogged about.
I have always said, "I'll start tomorrow. I'll start after the weekend. I'll start (fill in the blank)." This time, it started immediately. As soon as I found out about my impending health crisis yesterday, I started. I went to the store and bought a few items that I knew were low in sodium and low in calories. I am NOT counting calories. I am NOT consciously going to count everything that goes into my mouth. However, I have done this enough times with enough success to know how to do this. While counting is a great way to lose weight and while it has worked for me, FOR ME, I don't think it is sustainable for life long management. You may disagree but I refuse to spend my days counting my calories. I know the calories of most foods. If I am unsure, I will look. But for now, that's as far as it goes. If I don't lose weight after a couple of weeks doing it this way, then I may loosely count calories to get myself on track. My goal right now is to not gain weight. I'll be weighing myself in the morning to get a base weight and then I plan to weigh myself every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to keep myself on track.
I don't know how this is going to go for me. I haven't ever tried losing weight this way. I have ALWAYS counted (as in writing/tracking/logging) whatever I put in my mouth. However, since those ways have failed, I KNOW that FOR ME, it is not sustainable to do it that way.
Today has gone well. I'm confident that I have eaten less today than I have in a long time. And I'm not hungry. We'll see how this goes.
I have always said, "I'll start tomorrow. I'll start after the weekend. I'll start (fill in the blank)." This time, it started immediately. As soon as I found out about my impending health crisis yesterday, I started. I went to the store and bought a few items that I knew were low in sodium and low in calories. I am NOT counting calories. I am NOT consciously going to count everything that goes into my mouth. However, I have done this enough times with enough success to know how to do this. While counting is a great way to lose weight and while it has worked for me, FOR ME, I don't think it is sustainable for life long management. You may disagree but I refuse to spend my days counting my calories. I know the calories of most foods. If I am unsure, I will look. But for now, that's as far as it goes. If I don't lose weight after a couple of weeks doing it this way, then I may loosely count calories to get myself on track. My goal right now is to not gain weight. I'll be weighing myself in the morning to get a base weight and then I plan to weigh myself every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to keep myself on track.
I don't know how this is going to go for me. I haven't ever tried losing weight this way. I have ALWAYS counted (as in writing/tracking/logging) whatever I put in my mouth. However, since those ways have failed, I KNOW that FOR ME, it is not sustainable to do it that way.
Today has gone well. I'm confident that I have eaten less today than I have in a long time. And I'm not hungry. We'll see how this goes.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Okay...Here We Go Again
I've had a lot going on this past week. I was sick for most of the week...to the point to where I barely left the bed. Then, I went to the doctor on Wednesday for my cold and found out I have high blood pressure. Yeah..really high...in my opinion (155/94). I bought a blood pressure monitor and the highest it went was 171/96 and 155/107. Yes, I'm not happy. I went to see my cardiologist today and the verdict is in...it's not as big of a deal as I felt it was and I need to lose weight (and medicine). I have a perfect storm for high blood pressure it seems. I have family history, I weigh a lot, and I don't exercise. There you go...a recipe for high blood pressure.
So, here we go again...slowly. I am not going to go crazy and count every calorie I eat..yet. I talked with my doctor about the connection of losing weight and my defibrillator discharging. The doc seems to think there is no connection. And if there is, it's just the fact that my heart is getting used to the exercise. He also seems to think that it won't happen this time because I am taking Amiodarone (the medicine that keeps my heart in rhythm). So, not only will this be a general blog, I will be reporting on my weight loss. I'm not going to go hard core and count everything. I want to start slow. Make small changes. Eat less salt. Etc.
Here we go.
So, here we go again...slowly. I am not going to go crazy and count every calorie I eat..yet. I talked with my doctor about the connection of losing weight and my defibrillator discharging. The doc seems to think there is no connection. And if there is, it's just the fact that my heart is getting used to the exercise. He also seems to think that it won't happen this time because I am taking Amiodarone (the medicine that keeps my heart in rhythm). So, not only will this be a general blog, I will be reporting on my weight loss. I'm not going to go hard core and count everything. I want to start slow. Make small changes. Eat less salt. Etc.
Here we go.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Learning to Coupon
Michael and I were married October 17, 2009. At the time, I was a caseworker making a poverty level salary. (I worked for one of the poorest state agencies). Michael was working as a mechanic and he was making around the same amount I was. I started couponing as a way to save us money. You can't do a lot about the house payment or student loans payments but I figured the one thing I could control is how much we would spend on groceries.
While I was trying to figure this whole thing out, I found Southern Savers. TA-DA! It took all the work out of it for me. Jenny, the webmistress of Southern Savers, would list all sales with the coupons on her website. The only responsibility I had was organizing my coupons. She also has tutorials to teach you how to do that.
I go to the grocery store once a week, specifically to get what is on sale. Don't get me wrong. Do I buy stuff not on sale? Absolutely. There was a long period of time after I got my present job that I didn't coupon. I started making around $10,000 more a year than I was making and Michael got a new job making significantly more as well. I just didn't bother with the coupons. However, after a few months of this, I have realized how much money I am spending by not couponing and I am back at it.
If I do go to the store during the week, I plan on posting a picture of what I bought and telling you how much it all cost. Some weeks I do really well. I have spent $75 at Publix before and only paid $20. But I have also had to buy stuff that wasn't on sale and I didn't have coupons.
The website I use is really only good for the southern states, specifically SC because Jenny is from SC. However, there is also Coupon Mom. That site is free to use as well. It's just a little more commercialized. Both are excellent sites and give excellent information.
Not only will I be posting my coupon successes (or failures), I will be posting my personal tips and sometimes opinions about couponing. If any of my information comes from another site, I will quote them so you can go there to read more.
Happy Couponing!
While I was trying to figure this whole thing out, I found Southern Savers. TA-DA! It took all the work out of it for me. Jenny, the webmistress of Southern Savers, would list all sales with the coupons on her website. The only responsibility I had was organizing my coupons. She also has tutorials to teach you how to do that.
I go to the grocery store once a week, specifically to get what is on sale. Don't get me wrong. Do I buy stuff not on sale? Absolutely. There was a long period of time after I got my present job that I didn't coupon. I started making around $10,000 more a year than I was making and Michael got a new job making significantly more as well. I just didn't bother with the coupons. However, after a few months of this, I have realized how much money I am spending by not couponing and I am back at it.
If I do go to the store during the week, I plan on posting a picture of what I bought and telling you how much it all cost. Some weeks I do really well. I have spent $75 at Publix before and only paid $20. But I have also had to buy stuff that wasn't on sale and I didn't have coupons.
The website I use is really only good for the southern states, specifically SC because Jenny is from SC. However, there is also Coupon Mom. That site is free to use as well. It's just a little more commercialized. Both are excellent sites and give excellent information.
Not only will I be posting my coupon successes (or failures), I will be posting my personal tips and sometimes opinions about couponing. If any of my information comes from another site, I will quote them so you can go there to read more.
Happy Couponing!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Making Money (but not a lot) Online
A few years ago, before I had a full time job, I did surveys to make extra money and get gift cards. Obviously, I never became a millionaire but I did make a little extra spending money and got some awesome gift cards.
It's time to do that again.
I need something to do.
Because I don't have enough.
Sooo, we are going to start small. Cash Crate, Opinion Outpost, and Swag Bucks are three companies I have had tremendous success with in the past. I've received checks from Opinion Outpost and gift cards from Cash Crate and Swag Bucks. I suggest taking a peek at each one before deciding which, if any, you want to try. I will be posting my success with each one along with how much money I am making every Monday. Also, I will be sharing a helpful tip or something I have learned each Monday. I am just starting Cash Crate and Opinion Outpost so I haven't made anything yet.
However, I have been doing Swag Bucks for a while and have 1902 Swag Bucks. That is good enough for a $10 Barnes and Noble gift card (very exciting). While I probably won't find anything for $10, it's still like $10 off my order. I am trying to save up my bucks so I won't be cashing it in just yet.
My first tip: Create a separate email for doing this. The emails can and do get outrageous.
See you next Monday!
It's time to do that again.
I need something to do.
Because I don't have enough.
Sooo, we are going to start small. Cash Crate, Opinion Outpost, and Swag Bucks are three companies I have had tremendous success with in the past. I've received checks from Opinion Outpost and gift cards from Cash Crate and Swag Bucks. I suggest taking a peek at each one before deciding which, if any, you want to try. I will be posting my success with each one along with how much money I am making every Monday. Also, I will be sharing a helpful tip or something I have learned each Monday. I am just starting Cash Crate and Opinion Outpost so I haven't made anything yet.
However, I have been doing Swag Bucks for a while and have 1902 Swag Bucks. That is good enough for a $10 Barnes and Noble gift card (very exciting). While I probably won't find anything for $10, it's still like $10 off my order. I am trying to save up my bucks so I won't be cashing it in just yet.
My first tip: Create a separate email for doing this. The emails can and do get outrageous.
See you next Monday!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
SON days
I absolutely love this song. I am in the process of searching for my purpose in my life. I am currently reading The Purpose Driven Life. I know that one of my purposes here is to help people. I have had two jobs (my last one and current one) that my primary purpose was to help people. Being a caseworker is not always emotionally easy but it is rewarding. My major in school was Psychology. I would love to go back and get my Masters in Counseling, specifically in substance abuse. I want to help people. Plain and simple.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Week in Review
First, let me say that I have had no panic attacks this week. I am still at the point to where I cannot think of the past panic attacks that I have had without feeling some level of anxiety. I am hoping that I can get to point to where I can think about them, can write about them, without feeling like I am going to repeat them. My goal is to go day by day without any panic attacks. The small feelings of anxiety, the small back in my mind what if questions are still there. I'm not sure they will ever go away. Knowing that any time my heart can go into atrial fibrillation and trigger my defibrillator is not a good thought for me...so I try my best not to think about that.
I have been sick this week and still am not feeling well so that has had an affect on me this week. I only worked Tuesday, Wednesday, and half of Thursday. I had to call in on Friday because I had a fever. I hate calling in because I hate sitting here all day by myself. The times that I am by myself are becoming easier but still aren't like they used to be. I used to LOVE to be by myself...not all the time but sometimes was good. Now, I have a hard time though I have gotten better. My dog Diesel keeps me company. Even though he's a dog, I feel like he can feel when I am not feeling right and sticks to me like glue. Other times, I think he knows that I am fine because he doesn't stick to me so closely. Today, he was everywhere I went. He is my baby and I don't what I ever did without him.
I am not sure I am going to church in the morning. Church is like a battery recharge for me each week. I go to listen to the pastor but I am more moved by the music. I know that God wants to be the one to move us and I believe that for me, it's done through music. However, tomorrow I am not sure I am going. Since I have been sick and had a fever, I don't want to get anyone else sick. I love Charles Stanley so I guess I will watch him in the morning.
Overall, even though I have been sick, any week that I don't have a panic attack, will be considered a good one.
I have been sick this week and still am not feeling well so that has had an affect on me this week. I only worked Tuesday, Wednesday, and half of Thursday. I had to call in on Friday because I had a fever. I hate calling in because I hate sitting here all day by myself. The times that I am by myself are becoming easier but still aren't like they used to be. I used to LOVE to be by myself...not all the time but sometimes was good. Now, I have a hard time though I have gotten better. My dog Diesel keeps me company. Even though he's a dog, I feel like he can feel when I am not feeling right and sticks to me like glue. Other times, I think he knows that I am fine because he doesn't stick to me so closely. Today, he was everywhere I went. He is my baby and I don't what I ever did without him.
I am not sure I am going to church in the morning. Church is like a battery recharge for me each week. I go to listen to the pastor but I am more moved by the music. I know that God wants to be the one to move us and I believe that for me, it's done through music. However, tomorrow I am not sure I am going. Since I have been sick and had a fever, I don't want to get anyone else sick. I love Charles Stanley so I guess I will watch him in the morning.
Overall, even though I have been sick, any week that I don't have a panic attack, will be considered a good one.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Being Sick and Anxiety
I am sick this week. I think I might even have the flu...high temperature, sore throat, all the rest. I hate being sick. I feel weak when I am sick. Being sick would normally be something I would just deal with. It's not cool but not the end of the world either. However, once anxiety is added on top of that, it become worse. One sign of a panic attack is not being able to breathe deeply. Normally when a person is sick, they are breathing shallow just because of the illness. Well, that is me right now. And breathing this way is not conducive to combating anxiety. So needless to say, not only am I living on Tylenol right now, Xanax is also a good cold medicine. The last thing I want right now is a panic attack. I already can't breathe thank you very much.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Our 3-4 Snow Days
Here in South Carolina, we don't get snow days. The conditions have to be PERFECT for us to even get an inch. So, imagine our surprise when we woke up to this Monday morning.
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