Healing Myself Mentally

I'm not going to lie, this week has been rough. Just the thought of not know when and if my heart will go into a fib has sent me into anxiety/panic mode again. Thank God for Xanax or I would have gotten no sleep all week. I understand that it is as important to heal my mind as it is to do what I need to heal my body. But healing my body is so much easier. I just take the medicine, do what the doctor tells me, and keep dr appts. Healing my mind is not so easy. I had just gotten to the point where panic attacks did not control my life. And now here we are again.

And Things Were Going So Well....SON days

I thought everything was going okay. Sure, my panic attacks had returned but I was managing. And then yesterday happened. I was going into Staples after drinking an icy fruity drink. And there. My heart started doing it again. Read this to catch yourself up if needed. I'll wait.....

Finished?

Well, it wasn't THAT traumatic this time but it still wasn't as fun as couponing. While my defibrillator did not discharge, at any minute it could have. I thank God that it did not. My mom was about a hour and half away. My dad was about two hours away. Michael was working on a truck and about a hour away. I was by myself this time. But I wasn't. I know God was with me the whole time. I really could feel his presence around me, holding my hand, keeping me breathing, and letting my heart flutter and not go too fast. I have learned this time to rely on Him. Yes, I know that at any time he could have took his hands off my heart and allowed my defibrillator go off. I also know that at any time he could have set my heart right. This is happening to me for a reason. I don't know if it's is because he wants to draw me closer to him. I don't know if he has a purpose for my life that I haven't discovered. All I know is while I was by myself for those short 15 minutes, his presence surrounded me.

They have increased my medicines and I am scheduled for more doctor appointments. I will most definitely continue my counseling. I have already swallowed one panic attack today. Xanax will because my best friend again. And I know that God will be with me. I know he was here long before I was thought of. I know that he knew I would have these problems and he would have a purpose for my life. I just have to continue to seek Him to find that purpose.

This is a song that has meant a lot to me over the last couple of days. I hope it touches you too.

Going Into Heavy Counseling Again

I am going into counseling again. THANK GOD. I have been having what the counselor calls night terrors. These feel like panic attacks while I am sleeping and scare the ever living daylights out of me. I can pretty much control a panic attack by myself. However, when I wake up in a panic and feel like I have been shocked out of my sleep, that is not fun.

Counseling is a must for me still. I hate to admit that I haven't completely recovered from panic attacks. I still have times when I feel like the world is coming to an end or I'm having a heart attack. I understand these are symptoms of having a panic attack and anxiety. I know this. However, I still feel like I feel and I have to figure out how to not let it control my life. I am trying to release control, or the perceived control I have over myself, but it's going to be really hard. Journaling is going to be a big part of this. My counselor wants me to get a journal and keep a journal everyday. We are going to concentrate on the positive parts and what I am doing to take control over my life. I really look forward to this journey. I still have a ways to go but I know I will get there.

Took a Break

I haven't written or posted anything since 4/10/11. I have taken it easy with the couponing and I'm back at it this week. My last panic attack was on April 9 so I haven't really concentrated on anything other than getting the panic back under control. I hate that feeling. I hate the feeling of completely losing control and losing who I am. Because that's what I feel like when I have an attack. My blood pressure has also been elevated so I have been working on getting that under control. I have started losing some weight by watching what I eat and walking at work. Only been doing this a week and my weigh in day is on Monday. I just kind of got serious about my blood pressure and have decided that this is the only way I am going to control it. I have been taking my medicine but medicine can only take you so far sometimes. Plus, I hate medicine and I want to feel like I am taking an active part in my "blood pressure monitoring" other than taking my blood pressure everyday. I mean, it's been two months ago when I first said I would be losing weight. While I haven't gained anything, I haven't lost either and that has been the point. So, I started hardcore this week. I have been very conscious about what I have eaten and what it contains. I just really hopes this will help my blood pressure go down to a manageable level and it certainly can't hurt. HERE WE GO...again.

***I promise this will not turn into a weight loss blog but will still be a "general life" blog.

The Anatomy of a Panic Attack

Imagine knowing something bad is going to happen. You don't know what and you don't know when. You just know because you feel it in every fiber, nerve, and cell in your body. You start to feel chilled (or really hot) even though the heat is on and you're wearing a jacket. You start to feel dizzy, not like the room is spinning but more like you can't get your balance. Your palms become sweaty but your hands are ice cold. All of a sudden you can't breathe in and out. You feel as if you are drowning. Your heart starts to race and your chest hurts. Your head may even hurt and you swear you're having a heart attack. Maybe you start crying but maybe the fear is so great that you don't know what to do. You start trembling uncontrollably and you know that the bad thing you feared has just happened. You have just had a panic attack.

For me, this is how a panic attack feels. At the time, I swear I'm dying. And afterwards, I feel as if I have ran a marathon. Sleep, along with God and Xanax, follows because I'm no good for anything else. I can't think clearly or concentrate for a couple hours afterward.

Because I have learned to recognize how they start, if I can make it through the first 15-30 seconds (which can seem like years) I will have managed to calm myself down enough that I will not have a "full blown panic attack." I'll have, what I call, a "semi panic attack." This includes everything up until the difficulty breathing. There have been times I have skipped it all and went straight to the rapid heartbeat. At those times, if I can make it through the first 15 seconds..no longer..I won't have a full panic attack. I do a lot of self talk and self reassuring during this time. I know if I am able to control it, it won't get bad and I won't feel like I am dying.

Coming to this point where I can talk and write about this has taken lots of counseling, talks with God, and Xanax. All this has been a part of my recovery. Without them, I am not sure what my mental state would be. Honestly, my last panic attack was a few weeks ago but I have just gotten to where I can write about them. I am so proud of myself for how far I have came since October. I can do this. I'm going to do this.

My First Panic Attack

When I was a teenager, I always had anxiety about being around a lot of people. I hated going to Walmart because I always felt like I was drowning. However, I never had, what I like to call, a full blown panic attack. I was always able to keep everything under control long enough to get what was needed and get out. 

October 15 I was getting ready to go to bed and started feeling my heart race. My mind went blank and all I could think about was dying (seriously). I screamed for my husband but because he was so tired from working that day, he did not hear me. Looking back on it now, knowing what I know now, I could feel fear welling up in me. But I only thought about my heart. It only lasted a few seconds, but I ran to get Michael (that should have been my first clue right there-if it had been my heart, my defibrillator would have discharged with the rapid movement). I told him I had to go to the ER right then because I was afraid of my defibrillator discharging. 

When I got to the ER, they hooked me up to a heart monitor. My heart was in normal rhythm with no problems. My heart rate did rise but it was because I had another panic attack. While it felt like it was going really really fast, in reality it was only going 120-130 beats a minute. (Keep in mind that my heart has the ability to go 250 beats per minute). Seeing the doctor took forever this time (because I was fine) but they did give me a Xanax to calm me down while I was waiting. While it did calm me down some, I still was very shaky. 

This was my first actual panic attack. I went on to have about 7-8 more. One time, I had one in my sleep. I called 911 and again I was fine. Another time, I was driving down the road. I began having a panic attack and called 911 again. Again, I was fine. 

I have learned to recognize the symptoms of a panic attack, what happens in the minutes before and the minutes after. Learning to recognize the symptoms have taken the scariness out of it all. 

My first step is to evaluate. Feel my heart beat..it may be fast but is it in normal rhythm? If yes, proceed to Step 2. My second step is to breathe. It sounds simple but really does make all the difference in the world. If I can get myself past these first two steps, I am fine. If not, I go to Step 3. My third step is to call my mom. My mother is wonderful at helping me get through panic attacks. She can ramble on about nothing and it really does help. My fourth step is to take a Xanax and pray. Because when all else fails, God and Xanax will do the trick.

Being Sick and Anxiety

I am sick this week. I think I might even have the flu...high temperature, sore throat, all the rest. I hate being sick. I feel weak when I am sick. Being sick would normally be something I would just deal with. It's not cool but not the end of the world either. However, once anxiety is added on top of that, it become worse. One sign of a panic attack is not being able to breathe deeply. Normally when a person is sick, they are breathing shallow just because of the illness. Well, that is me right now. And breathing this way is not conducive to combating anxiety. So needless to say, not only am I living on Tylenol right now, Xanax is also a good cold medicine. The last thing I want right now is a panic attack. I already can't breathe thank you very much.  

Managing Anxiety

Managing anxiety is a big task for me on those days when it seems unmanageable. I've never had to deal with this so I have had to learn. The feeling that nothing is going right, nothing is fixable is at times so overwhelming it's hard to breathe. These feelings started with my heart problems in October but they have taken root in other areas of my life. I constantly worry that others around me are not happy (and I've always been one of those people who says, "You are not responsible for other's happiness) so this is different. I have found that facing what I'm anxious about...whether it being alone or my heart problems...helps to an extent. Sometimes it makes me more anxious. I try to tell myself that what I am feeling is not permanent...that it will go away soon. I try to remind myself that even when I FEEL alone, God is always with me. These feelings at time can consume five minutes or five hours of my time.

Today has been the five hour day. I have felt like screaming all day..no matter what has happened. I feel so frustrated, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, and panicky all in one. As Ron said in Harry Potter, "No one can feel that all at once, they would explode." Well, I feel like exploding.