I thought everything was going okay. Sure, my panic attacks had returned but I was managing. And then yesterday happened. I was going into Staples after drinking an icy fruity drink. And there. My heart started doing it again. Read this to catch yourself up if needed. I'll wait.....
Finished?
Well, it wasn't THAT traumatic this time but it still wasn't as fun as couponing. While my defibrillator did not discharge, at any minute it could have. I thank God that it did not. My mom was about a hour and half away. My dad was about two hours away. Michael was working on a truck and about a hour away. I was by myself this time. But I wasn't. I know God was with me the whole time. I really could feel his presence around me, holding my hand, keeping me breathing, and letting my heart flutter and not go too fast. I have learned this time to rely on Him. Yes, I know that at any time he could have took his hands off my heart and allowed my defibrillator go off. I also know that at any time he could have set my heart right. This is happening to me for a reason. I don't know if it's is because he wants to draw me closer to him. I don't know if he has a purpose for my life that I haven't discovered. All I know is while I was by myself for those short 15 minutes, his presence surrounded me.
They have increased my medicines and I am scheduled for more doctor appointments. I will most definitely continue my counseling. I have already swallowed one panic attack today. Xanax will because my best friend again. And I know that God will be with me. I know he was here long before I was thought of. I know that he knew I would have these problems and he would have a purpose for my life. I just have to continue to seek Him to find that purpose.
This is a song that has meant a lot to me over the last couple of days. I hope it touches you too.
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